and to all a good night.

Last night I nestled down into my couch with Frances the cat and decided to watch the modern holiday classic, Love Actually. Not exactly a noteworthy event, I will agree. However, after watching the movie in it's entirety, I couldn't shut my brain off.
Allow me to elaborate.

The movie starts off with this monologue by Hugh Grant overlaying scenes of loved ones in an airport:

Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion is starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaking suspicion love actually is all around.

Sorry if this spoils it for any of you who haven't seen the picture, but it's a romantic comedy so I suspect that you've picked up on the fact that the movie ends in happily ever after. When the credits rolled across the dark screen, I almost had a panic attack.

It hit me all at once that the new year is less than a week away.

Christmas is this weekend. This past year has been nothing but rubbish. What do I have to show for 2011? Absolutely nothing. I am watching a movie alone with my cat. I've gained ten pounds. Alone on Christmas. Alone on New Year's Eve. I suck.
It was like Cybill was in my head dropping pounds upon pounds of negative thoughts onto my brain.

As you know, this sometimes happens around the holidays. Nothing can ruin a perfectly good mood like a Kay Jewelers commercial around December. Let me be the first one to say, don't give in to Norman Rockwell-esque propaganda. Yes, this time of year is great, but don't feel like your life should be a certain way just because of the date.

Last night for example, all I could think of were the negative things over the past year. Just as I was about to reach Ben and Jerry's level of depression, my phone went off with a text from a friend that for some reason snapped me into thinking clearly.

I have had an amazing 2011.

Sure, it's obvious by my blog posts that I fell out of love. I learned it's okay to fall hard and forgive even harder. I learned just how big my heart really is. I found out I can't be jaded. I gained more from that experience than he ever did by cheating; or than I ever could have by staying in the relationship.

I put off going to school another year. This is okay with me. I am still nowhere near knowing what I want to be when I "grow up" but I'm a whole hell of a lot closer to knowing where I don't want to be. To be completely honest, something along the lines of Peace Corps is looking like the best fit at this point.

I'm just a waitress. Everyone thinks that working in the food industry is one of the worst jobs you can have. I strongly disagree. I love my job. I make the money in a weekend most people make in a week or more. But that isn't the best part. The crew I work with, though a motley one, makes every day a new experience. Not only that, but I've met at least one person that I know I will be friends with years down the road.

Work takes up eighty percent of my time. This blows. I'm not going to tell you I love working, no one does. But this year I have shown not only myself, but everyone around me that I can do it on my own. The day you realize you don't need anyone else is a great one.

I don't keep in touch with many of my old friends. Most of the people I considered friends were that of convenience. Naturally, they are going to get pushed to the wayside. I'm actually glad they did. This year I have met so many people by opening myself up to new experiences and getting out of my "convenient comfort zone." That cheesy quote every one Picniks on their pictures is true: "Here's to the nights that turned into mornings, and the friends that turned into family."

I'll stop rambling about the things I love about my life, and leave you with a last thought. This year I have grown more as a person than you would believe possible in just 365 days.

Learn the difference between needing someone in your life, and wanting them there. Stop making excuses for yourself and grab life by the face already. But most importantly, accept your life. It's yours. You aren't going to gain anyone's approval until you gain your own, probably because you won't deserve to. The only person holding you back from everything you want is you. Before you complain about something in your life, (job, car, house, phone) think of those who don't even have such things to complain about.

Find what makes you happy; and do it.

Happy Holidays.

hey jude.

A few weeks ago a friend of mine suggested the topic "not thinking people are good enough, setting too high of expectations." At the time, I didn't really believe I could go on the blog rant that you are all so used to reading on that specific topic, so I didn't write it. For some reason I was thinking of his suggestion this morning and realized I could absolutely put some Sydni in this subject. Here we go..

Every single one of us is guilty of this, but I think most of the offenders lie in my generation. Thanks to movies, sappy Facebook statuses, and TV shows that completely misconstrue relationships; everyone has this obnoxious ideal of who their partner needs to be. We get so caught up in what someone isn't doing that what they are doing gets completely swept under the rug. Your Prince Charming or Cinderella isn't going to bust up in your life someday with a dramatic monologue and an acoustic guitar. When you put your expectations in perspective, maybe you will notice your leading man or lady has been there the whole time, waiting with a simple hand outstretched.

I am not telling you to lower your expectations. I am not telling you to settle for an former convict with no job because he will never be Heath Ledger. Let me make that apparent. I am telling you to stop being blind to the things you have in your life because they aren't what you think they should be.

People have a preconceived notion that when they find someone that is right, fireworks will erupt and crowds will gather for a somehow perfectly choreographed musical number...that is not going to happen. What will happen is you finding someone you can be yourself around, tell your darkest secrets to, and just be happy with. Isn't that enough? It's so easy to forget that relationships aren't about who can ante up with the biggest romantic gesture. They aren't about being with someone who will impress other people. They aren't about changing someone. They aren't about only being able to find happiness in the big things, but rather finding a smile in small thing each and every moment. Grand gestures get old, and at the end of the day it's simply about being happy.

One time in my life stands out to me where apparently being happy wasn't enough. The weirdest part was, this person really was like a movie. I won't go in to detail because I try to maintain some anonymity in the people I talk about in my blogs, but the things you see in cheesy romantic comedies and think "that never happens," happened. Every day was something new. I'll be the first to admit when I make a mistake, and I stepped in it big time on that one. I didn't appreciate the things he did..took them for granted, when he exceeded my unrealistic expectations, I set new ones. Was it perhaps a defense mechanism? Who knows, but all I know is I was a brat. You can't enter someone in a competition without their knowledge and punish them when they don't win.

My time with this person may have been movie-esque, but life isn't a movie. Sorry kids. You can't make mistakes and with one apology everything is okay and the choreographed dance starts right back up. (Seriously though, how does any movie explain how an entire crowd of people just knows the same dance and is willing to do it in public, come on.)
Inadvertently telling someone they aren't good enough simply because you think you deserve better than what they are already giving you isn't okay. If you don't like who that person is, you need to let them go show someone else how great they are. Looking back, I would have done it all differently. I would have realized it's the little things that matter most. Someone who will buy you a two dollar gift simply because it's your favorite color, listens..really listens when you speak, and trusts you with their secrets is going to keep you happier longer than someone who is just trying to impress you with meaningless nonsense.

someone like you

Let's be honest, we all have "merry go round" exes. The ones that are always right there in the back of your mind. You may stray elsewhere but it always seems like you end up on an endless rotation of thoughts and feelings with them smack dab in the center.

Today you are getting off the merry go round. Right now. Seriously, tuck and roll off of that thing because if you don't you will never stop feeling dizzy.

There are varying degrees of merry go rounders. Some of us are worse than others, I realize. If someone pops into your head every now and then, that's fine, and normal. We are human, we don't just erase all memories of someone or something that was a part of our lives. However, being at every beckon call of your ex is not okay. First stop off the carousel, stop acting like you are still their girlfriend/boyfriend. Right now you're thinking "We are still friends, I'm not just going to stop that." No, you are not still friends. Do any of your other friends drunkenly text you at all hours of the night stating any of the following?

"missss youu babyyyy"
"ughhh you're so sexxyyy"
"come herrreee"
"why don't youuu love meee?"

I certainly hope not. If so, perhaps you and your friend need to do some talking. If the relationship is fresh enough in your mind that you still die a little inside thinking of them every time Adele's Someone Like You comes on the radio...you are not friends. Do yourself a favor and give the besties act a rest. When and if the time is right maybe you can be casual friends, but until then, stop forcing it and quit making yourself suffer.

Second stop, take a sharp left off memory lane and head down out of sight, out of mind avenue. When you go on a diet, do you succeed in doing so by leaving cake and candy around the house? Absolutely not. If you see the cake, you are going to eat it. Likewise, if you leave mementos of your relationship everywhere, you are going to be thinking of that person. Take down the pictures, delete those adorable texts you have saved, and stop creeping your Facebook friendship. Memories are great, however it's easy to forget that is all they are. Whether or not you want to believe this fact is up to you, but they no longer matter. Know what else is easy? Sweetening memories beyond what actually occurred. Everyone does it. It is a lot more pleasant to remember that time he sent you flowers at work without thinking of the day before (the time you found the sexts from his downstairs neighbor..well, the first time) Remember that time she made you breakfast in bed? The morning after you were both up until three am fighting over nothing? Good times. Are you getting my drift here? Stop sleeping in his sweatpants, stop listening to the song she said was yours on repeat. A good rule of thumb? If you would feel awkward explaining an item in your room or home to a new love interest, get rid of it.

Get them off the pedestal. I have been so guilty of this it's laughable. Stop pretending it was a fluke that ended the two of you. It happened for a reason. Especially in these merry go round situations, it didn't work the third time, it especially won't the fourth. It is safe to say you are elevating your ex to a status that they couldn't even reach during your relationship simply because you can't be with them now. If your time together was so perfect, if they were so perfect, why aren't you together? Take off the rose colored glasses when you feel the need to think about your former ball and chain. Even better? Talk to your friends. I am sure they will be happy to inform you of the flaws you are so naively over looking. There is no truth like that from a best friend.

Our final stop of the day is very simple: do not, ever, ever, touch your ex boyfriend or girlfriend. Friends with benefits doesn't even work in the movies. Ever. I don't think I need to elaborate on this. It is always a bad idea. Always. You probably won't listen to me, but when you are back at emotional square one after a drunken night of "oopsies," you better think to yourself "Damn it, Sydni told me so.." Because I did.

Now, I realize there are exceptions, sometimes things end for regrettable reasons, and it is possible in some cases to reconcile old relationships. If you weren't able to before, I should hope you are able to distinguish "merry go round exes" from your average former partners after reading this. I also realize these things are easier said than done, but trust me when I say life is so much easier moving in a straight line rather than a circle. You deserve better than where you've already been, it just may take a few steps for you to realize this to be true.

big fish.

As much as I hate, no, despise admitting this...I have been voluntarily sucked into a small town rut. I'd like to say that this rut is specific to my hometown but to be completely honest I feel that every rural area has the same black hole effect. Now when I use the word voluntarily I do not mean consciously. That's the thing about getting sucked into the vortex that is Charleston, IL..you don't realize it is happening until it's damn near too late.
Let me explain what I mean by vortex. My grandparents grew up in the place locally known as "The Chuck, " as did my mother..and father, aunts, uncles, you get the point. The majority of people who grow up around here, stay around here. Which is completely fine. I have been lucky to grow up in an area that is a great place to have a life and raise a family.

But..

The life and options that Charleston offer are never what I wanted for myself.

Admittedly, kids who grow up around rural areas aren't given many of the options that kids in larger areas are given. There aren't high schools that condition us from the ninth grade to succeed in college. We go to schools on ridiculous public budgets with trash cans collecting leaks in the hallways, teachers that hate their jobs, and whose idea of college prep is handing out one-page practice ACT tests junior year. I can count on one hand the educators I have had throughout my entire life that maybe impacted my life in a positive way. We have little to no access or education on things such as internships, or even all of our career options as adults. I could write for hours about how ill-prepared many Charleston High School students are for the real world but that isn't exactly my issue here, nor my excuse.

What I'm wondering is why I gave up. I graduated from high school early to start my career off as soon as possible. Public Relations was the name of my game. I was going to get the hell out of dodge as soon as humanly possible.

When graduating high school I was the assistant manager at a retail store with a very successful and promising promotion track. Was it what I wanted? No. But I let those around me influence my choice into settling in to what was easy, rather than what I wanted. The deadline for my tuition deposit at my preferred university came and went, I sent nothing. That was it. I had made my choice. I started classes at the local community college and continued training at my store. Funny thing about stifling dreams though, they tend to creep back up and make you resent every single thing in your life you are currently settling for.

I quit the store. I stopped taking the classes.

Surprised? I wasn't.

Fast forward through a slump of being a bum more or less and here we are. I am by no means an unhappy person. I love my life despite it's current speed of going nowhere. Up until recently I was perfectly content with "I'll go back to school soon."

Now I don't know about you but sometimes I need to find a quiet place, with no notifications, tweets, or texts, and just think. I almost always have life changing epiphanies in these moments.

Truth is, you can put off your goals forever if you'd like. Honestly...no one cares. I could be a waitress/receptionist for the rest of my life and it wouldn't make a difference. The question you need to ask yourself is whether or not you're okay with settling into a life rather than choosing it. My answer to that question is absolutely not. Stop making excuses for yourself. You can legitimize literally anything inside of your own head, that will do nothing for you beside make you feel better about turning your back on your dreams. I realize it may seem easier to have this perspective as a nineteen year old, at times even I think it may be too late. I often feel behind, and I understand how easy it is to become discouraged and fall right back into the settling that I am trying to get you to avoid. But it isn't.
Even in the year that I have put off setting my life into motion I feel like I've gained so much insight and wisdom into what I want out of my future. Don't follow other people's time line.

Again, this is your life and yours only.

You make the choices. You make the changes. You live with yourself every single day.
Don't choose to live any one of those days with regrets.

courtesy of the red white and blue.

First and foremost, Happy Veteran's day! I am very lucky to know so many great men and women I can say that to. I am proud of you each and every day. I love driving down Lincoln and looking at the names on literally every telephone pole and smiling at the fact that almost every one is a familiar face. If any of you live in Charleston and had to be at work early this morning you saw the two young boys, I believe they were boy scouts, putting American Flags on each one of those very same poles. I don't care who you are, that warms the heart.

Holidays like today always get me thinking...and you know when I get to thinking..I get to blogging. Thinking about how for most of my generation Veteran's Day is just another meaningless holiday to post a quick Facebook status about, or maybe get out of school or work for. This saddens me. I realize our country has more than it's fair share of problems, but the lack of respect that so many people have for our veterans and our country is absolutely ridiculous. You don't agree with our President? You disagree with where our soldiers are now? Fine, you are perfectly able to voice those opinions. Disagreeing with something does not give you the right to disrespect it. You think that when our Grandparents were younger they would have slapped a ONE BIG ASS MISTAKE AMERICA bumper sticker on the back of their car? Helll no. Because there used to be such a thing as patriotism. I realize our country has done plenty of things to make having pride in it a little more difficult, fine, touche. I agree. If you want to put ignorant redneck bumper stickers all over everything you own...go for it. I just don't particularly understand why it seems to be the cool new thing among young people to hate America while sitting on your butt and doing nothing to change anything. I really appreciate that you believe you can solve all of our government's problems by writing a Tweet or Facebook status, now how about you do something with your views that will actually make a difference?

Look at Vietnam, I disagree with a lot of things that happened on the protesting front, but at least those people weren't sitting on their asses and complaining about things they know nothing about and would rather not learn anything about. They believed they were losing their America, and they wanted it back. I ask of my generation, "What is our America?" A group of whiny, uneducated, spoiled brats that think nothing of bad mouthing the men and women that give them the very right to do so. That seems to be our America.

It absolutely kills me when people talk negatively about the Armed Forces. I've heard everything from calling them uneducated to unnecessary. You know what I have to say to that? How about you go enlist. Better yet, go tell your opinions to a woman who has been widowed at twenty three. Tell a mother who will never see her daughter again. Why don't you go tell a little boy that his daddy died so people like you could fling around ignorant statements. Walk a woman down the aisle who never got to meet her father. Even better, go tell your views to a soldier that watched his brother take his last breath, for you.

I guess I have gotten a little off topic here, I could go on for pages upon pages about what I think of the majority of my generation. But I won't. What I am trying to say here is, next time you want to "fit in" and sling an insult at our military, think of what you're really saying. I guarantee you that if you really knew what you were talking about...you would feel like the biggest jackass this side of the globe. We all disagree with a lot of things, our government, the mess that we call the economy, hippies on Wall Street, sex, drugs, rock and roll...there is more than enough reason to do so. All I ask is that you keep the men and women that are fighting for their America out of your negative opinions. If not, at least remember who is allowing you to keep talking.

all the wrong places

I think it is generally accepted that love will come to you when you least expect it. Perhaps you will find love in a relationship you otherwise thought to be platonic. Maybe you will be one of the few who is able to rekindle old love into something better, and new. Then again, you may find it in someone who could be considered a complete stranger up until your meeting. Love often comes to us at the most random times, you turn around one day and almost trip over it. My advice? Go ahead and trip, fall flat on your face. Hopefully, the person who tripped you will finally be the one to help you back up.

Of course it's easy to say that we all sit around patiently waiting for our moment to trip and fall but let's be honest with ourselves..humans are impatient. We live in an instant gratification society, and it is such an easy thing to get accustomed to. You want something? Here it is. Guess what? Love doesn't come in an instant gratification option. People not realizing that is what causes the settling I have talked about in an earlier post. We want so bad to find our other half that we settle for someone that ends up only filling up a quarter. There is no shame in this, it's safe to say everyone has done it at least once. Once you recognize it, stop it. It's getting you nowhere.

What I'm meaning to tackle today is people that so obnoxiously look for it in the wrong places then turn around and blame others for their heartache. No one likes the "All men are pigs" girl and we're sick of listening to the "Girls are just hoes" guy. We've heard it all, and we don't really agree, despite our nodding heads of approval.

I understand that you have probably been hurt, fine. We all have. But chances are that if you have been hurt by a legitimate relationship, you aren't out belittling the opposite sex and stereotyping them all as farm animals. If you are looking so hard for this true love that you're putting your net out every second of every day, guess what? You're going to catch some bad ones. You can't expect the girl you met over dollar shot night at the bar to be the one you take home for Christmas. The sweaty guy at your gym that watches you work out, and asks for your number on a daily basis is probably not the future father of your children. If you have to convince yourself that someone is a good idea...they aren't.

Here are some things I have legitimately heard from friends:

"Well he seems really nice, I was really drunk and he didn't even try anything"
-Wow, he didn't take advantage of a sloppy mess, that's husband material right there. I mean, come on. Someone not having sex with you is not a legitimate reason to go out with them.

"She told me she got cheated on too so she'd never do anything like that."
-If being mutually cheated on is grounds for a relationship, I know at least fifty people I should be dating right now. Besides, if she has to blatantly tell you this, doesn't that raise a few flags?

"He's pre-med so he's smart, he'll be successful when he graduates."
-Screech the brakes on the crazy train sister. You should NEVER date someone for what they could be, or are going to be. You are with the present. Besides, I know plenty of geniuses with degrees that are living off canned soup in their parents basements.

"Her parents have money, so..."
-Stop, just don't. If you have ever uttered something along these lines slap yourself on the wrist right now.

"He says he's never been like this with anyone so quickly, and he's really hot."
-You know what else is hot? The STD's you're going to end up with for falling for that line. Dropping lines like this screams that someone is just trying to get you to drop something else..


There are plenty more lines that we have all heard or maybe even said ourselves. The truth is, if you have to talk yourself into being interested in someone..you aren't. Wait for the person that needs no rationalizing. If there's no spark in their smile, static in their touch, and butterflies in their eyes then they aren't worth your time. I speak for all friends when I say this, we aren't surprised the Romeo you picked up doing body shots at Mardi Gras broke your heart. Perhaps you shouldn't have given it to him in the first place. From now on, stop and think before you give your time and feelings to someone. If you have to convince others, and more importantly yourself, that someone is a good idea..they aren't.
Don't give a second of your time to someone who doesn't deserve you, that time should be given to the person who will cherish every moment of it.

all you are is mean.

I got several responses to yesterday's post. One was surprisingly negative, which is to be expected on a subject such as the one I wrote about. Believe it or not, I appreciate all feedback. However, I originally started this blog as a way to get my thoughts out, an online diary if you will. It has since turned into a sort of online diary for a lot of people. A place where they can come and see that they aren't alone in their feelings or outlooks, and maybe even gain new insight into a problem they are having. For that reason, all Debbie Downer comments will be read and taken in by me, then promptly deleted. I try to keep positivity going here and no one reading probably appreciates being told their feelings "aren't right."

Also, just to clear up any contradictions I may have made, yesterday's post was not meant to be read as a "WOE IS ME" post. It was written from a perspective I felt some of you could relate to with the things you have told me you're going through. If you have any doubts on my thoughts on life, reread the "Your Life" post while listening to the song Walking on Sunshine. Nothing has changed, still happy ole me!

On that note, today I am going to write about a very simple topic. People who are mean. I think people find "mean"to be a very juvenile term, but if you think about it, some people are just that..downright mean. Personally, I think darn near all people from the ages 12-16 (give or take a few years) are meanies. It's just a stage everyone seems to go through. Call it teen angst perhaps. You're mad at the world because you haven't grown into your body, boys or girls are confusing, and middle school is the lost circle of hell that Dante forgot to mention. We get it, and don't worry you'll probably grow out of it once the hormones balance out. I'll be the first one to admit I was a raging ball of rude in those years. I wouldn't have called myself the stereotypical Regina George, I was more so a Janice Ian. But guess what? I grew up.

What I'm talking about is adults. Those of us who make the blatant decision on a daily basis to just be mean. I'm here to tell you, stop it. My Grandma Nancy has always told me, as I'm sure most of our Grandmas have, "If you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all." Perhaps in Sunday School you were told to, "Treat others as you wish to be treated." Catchy sayings like these have been shoved in our faces all of our lives, so why is it so hard as mature adults to just take them in and do as we're told?

I know for a fact I am no saint, mean happens. No one goes through life riding on a rainbow with everyone in the world loving them. Unless you're Mother Theresa...but in our current society I highly doubt we have many of those running around. You're going to get mad sometimes, you're going to say things to hurt the people you care about, I realize this. Odds are you're going to calm down and apologize. You're human.
BUT, a lot of people I encounter these days aren't mad, they don't apologize, they are just plain hateful. My question is, What are you gaining from acting this way? This isn't high school anymore, you have no excuses to be treating others badly. I know that we all live with private battles; maybe body image, family issues, love problems, anything. Some tough love here, those aren't excuses either. The general public isn't causing those problems. Even if your sour behavior is solely directed at the people who cause these issues, it isn't going to make them stop. All it is going to accomplish is the creation of a miserable chain.

Trust me when I say that making other people happy is the greatest thing you can do to improve your own happiness. Don't believe me? Make someone smile with you. Right now. Two people sharing a smile or laugh is one of life's simplest joys. Also one of life's greatest. Something as easy and quick as telling the cashier at the convenience store to have a great day, or going outside the norms of small talk with a stranger can not only improve their day, but also yours.

On the contrary, being an a' hole rarely does anything for anyone. I'm a waitress at a pretty busy restaurant so naturally I deal with plenty of grouchy people. I don't know if they enjoy being rude, or perhaps it is just their nature, but either way..it doesn't affect my day one bit. I put on a smile and walk off to the next table hoping someone there will have a little sunnier disposition. Point being: if you are trying to make yourself feel better by dragging other people into misery with you..it probably isn't going to work. You'll still be in a bad mood, and whoever you just sassed off to will just think you're an idiot.

All i'm trying to say is that as far as I can tell, there is absolutely nothing to gain by being mean. If you have something hateful to say, listen to Grandma Nancy and keep it to yourself. You have too many smiles to share, laughs to experience, and moods to change to waste your time being someone no one wants to be around.

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.

"L" is for the way you look at me..

I would like to think that my posts are typically well written. Yes, I may write in circles; but I usually bring it all in to make a profound point that I have been thinking about and wanting to share with all of you. I assume my random ideas are well interpreted because of the reply emails I get thanking me for my perspective after each post. But, who knows.
Today, however I have a disclaimer.

This post will not be all brought together to make a profound point.
Actually, it may not have a point.

Not having an opinion or solid stance on something is strange for me. The topic of this blog in which I am so fuzzy on, is love. Now I think people rarely have a concrete standpoint on love, mostly because it is so misunderstood and interpreted so differently. Now, we aren't talking about family love, or how you feel about your pet here. I'm talking love. Between a two people, and no one else. But hold on, before you continue reading, let me tell you something. I have always been a hopeless romantic. As a child I had the idea in my head that every person has that one other person in life that is their true love. Just one. I grew up with divorced parents, so perhaps that is why I was so determined to believe in this ideal true love business. Maybe we should blame the fact that I constantly had my nose in novels from the eighteenth century. Appropriate reading for a preteen, yes? I was a strange child, let's just go with it. As we get older, though, we start to realize that we will have many loves. I had a couple of these "loves" in high school, like most people do. But in retrospect, is that the kind of love we spend forever with? No. Which is okay. We learn from those relationships and use the skills gained for the next time we find ourselves in that "pit of your stomach dropping out" feeling. I've been lucky to still call those few friends, which I think is a huge part of growing up as well as a blessing; learning how to put someone who was once the center of your teenage world somewhere in your current world and it be okay.When speaking of people that I could call any time of day or night, two of the aforementioned are on the list.

But what gets tricky is the first real love. The one that stops your breathing, changes your life, and knocks you straight on your ass. Makes you want to improve your future and forget your past. This is where I am puzzled. I've experienced this knock down, drag out love and it wasn't exactly what I expected. All throughout my life I thought the first time I felt this, it would be the last time. Yet that is not the case I'm finding out. I will spare you the details but, it obviously ended...I was heartbroken and he had moved on, quickly. Quicker then we had broken up, actually. But here's the thing. I'm not mad. I hold no resentment. I actually still wish to talk to him daily. I believe that when you selflessly love someone it never stops. If you get cheated on and pull a Carrie Underwoodesque destruction of property...maybe you need to reevaluate the love you felt in the first place. Love isn't selfish. Love doesn't need revenge. It needs healing. I would still do anything for this person, regardless of whether or not he would do the same.

Anyway I'll save my opinions of the misconstruction of love for another post, what I'm getting at is where do you go from that love when you've believed your entire life you should only have one? What if sometimes true love just doesn't match up? You may find yours in someone but you just aren't it for them. Don't get me wrong here, I'm not saying plan your wedding at the first "I love you," but when you can see a future with someone for the first time and that gets taken away. It's scary. Also for the record, this isn't written off a fresh break-up. I've tried it with other people, and it works for a little bit, but eventually you realize it isn't working. It isn't genuine. They aren't him/her. Simple as that. But after you have so much time away from this person, so much pain caused by this person and the feelings don't change, it is confusing. Oh, and also frightening. I'm not looking to find a husband in the near future, nor am I one of those "have to have a relationship" sort of girls that we all know so well. So why is it I feel a void for the first time in my life? I'm independent. I've never needed anyone. I find happiness in literally everything. Basically I've always been a "put on your big girl pants and get back on the horse" kind of person, so all of this is beyond me.

This person committed the worst crime you can commit in a relationship aside from an actual legal crime and yet I still feel the need to have him in my life. I've realized when you care for someone, you're blinded from the bad side of them. Even if it's right in your face, you refuse to give up on finding the good.

There's always the glimmer of hope the person you see will eventually become all there is. There's always the chance, that person doesn't exist.

Ain't love grand?

your life.

this is your life. do what you love, and often. if you don't like something. change it. if you don't like your job, quit. if you don't have enough time, stop watching TV. if you're looking for the love of your life, stop. they will be waiting for you when you start doing the things you love. stop over analyzing. all emotions are beautiful. when you eat, appreciate every last bite. open your mind, arms, and heart to new things, and people. we are united in our differences. ask the next person you see what their passion is, and share your dreams with them. travel often, getting lost will help you find yourself. some opportunities only come once, seize them.

life is about the people you meet, and the things you create with them.

so go out and start creating.

life is short. live your dream. wear your passion.


I stumbled upon this passage earlier this morning and immediately fell in love.
I have been thinking about my life a lot lately and this really helped put my thoughts in order. At this moment in time I have no clue whatsoever where I will be in five years. Hell, I don't know where I will be next year. I have no relationship to speak of. I work two jobs and spend the majority of my free time sacrificing sleep for time with friends. I'm tired constantly, and I spend too much money on frivolous things.

But guess what? I love my life.
Just as it is. Right now.

We all have our bad days, we all wish we had someone to come home to, we all want to find the perfect career. But we also have to accept that may not all happen at once. Perhaps never; and I think there is beauty in that acceptance. I hope to have the "ideal life" when I get older. Husband I'm madly in love with, four fantastic kids to complete my family, great job that makes me happy daily, house on the hill. Sure, who doesn't? But, I'm nineteen years old. My companion is my cat, I spend four hundred dollars a year to drug companies to avoid those kids, I serve tables and transfer calls for a living, and live in a duplex. That is where I'm supposed to be right now. If I find the love of my life tomorrow or perhaps choose a school next week, that's fine. But tomorrow isn't today; and today, I am happy to be where I am. I think when people try to rush into this perfect scenario it almost always ends in settling. Settling for the spouse that's just..there. Having the kids you aren't prepared for. Spending the rest of your life in the career you hate because you felt like a loser if you didn't rush off to college and quickly pick a major that would make you the most money like everyone else. Living in the house that will never be home because you aren't truly happy.

Don't allow yourself to do that.

Live in the here and now, but at the same time be conscientious of the future. Learn to love your place in this world, it isn't set in stone. If you don't like where you find yourself, change it. Let negativity roll off your shoulders. Laugh at nothing. Smile at a stranger. Live every day by your standards.

Life may be short, yes. But in my opinion it's too damn long to be spent unhappy.

blue collar.

Up to this point in my life, I've never had a "type." I have dated across the spectrum more or less. From farm boys to Chicagoans, tiny basketball boys to huge footballers; name a category and I've been there. None in my past have stuck out to me as THE type of man I want to be with forever. Until recently, that is.
My father is currently living in a charming small town in Southern Illinois. Despite it's adorable factor, it contains mostly families that have lived there for decades and union workers "stationed" around the coal power plant being built. He lives in a small apartment above a resale shop directly behind the county jail. He wakes up before sunrise, works among hundreds of others, comes home, cooks for one, calls his wife, and goes to bed. In other words, his quality of life generally bites. As does many other "blue collar" workers' in this country. Rarely do you hear them complain.

Now you are probably wondering how this ties into my future husband, well, hold on.

I have asked my dad on many occasions why he lives this way. He could break his union ties and get a job closer to home, the pay would be significantly less but at least he'd be home. He responds each time, "I do it for my girls." He is so selfless. My dad is absolutely miserable, but he would never tell me so. Upon this realization, I realized my "type."
No, I'm not saying I want to marry my dad, barf. But men like him are the ones I need to be finding.

Go on Wall Street and ask any of the men in Armani suits if they would live in a shack by a jail to better their family's life. I'd bet a week's pay they'd call you crazy. If they even stopped to talk to you.

A blue collar man doesn't get things done. He does things.

He doesn't need to call someone about your leaky faucet, because he can fix it and has the tools to do so. When he says "I'll do it later," he actually will in fact, do it later. He doesn't need to drive a Mercedes and wear expensive clothes, he has nothing to prove. He doesn't pass judgment. Treat him right, and you'll be considered a friend. Simple as that. Happiness is enough, he doesn't find himself constantly thinking "there has to be something/one better." He loves what/who he has. The hard work doesn't stop when the time clock does. He isn't inconvenienced by others needs.

I need one of those.

family...?

If you would have asked me a few years ago, I would have told you that my family was my most prized "possession." If I were to answer the same question today, I would have to admit I am indifferent on the whole idea. I am not a hateful, terrible person. I'd like to think I am one of the most positive, happy people I know of. But honestly, family means less and less every day. Before you know it, family will be taken as lightly in society as say, marriage.
My family used to be great, we were as close to each other as most people are to their best friends. From ridiculously entertaining games on holidays to just sitting around laughing like every word spoken was the funniest we had ever heard. I could go on in detail about just how amazing we were, but it doesn't matter at this point and I'll save the finger energy. Our family now...not so great.
One of my aunts merely acknowledges me in public, the other makes awkward small talk. It's sad, but I have always had an above average skill for letting things roll off my back, so I live. In a nutshell, my mom doesn't make the best life choices, I believe even she would admit that. Her sisters care too much what people think, I'm sure even they would admit that. Many of her bad choices were effecting the family. Some members more than others. Her sisters naturally got fed up with this plus the bad press I'm guessing, and distanced themselves. I'm not sure what happened between then and now but, they if I had to guess I'd say they don't even claim her as their sister. My point of this post isn't to air my family's dirty laundry, but to explain that I don't understand how families mean nothing anymore.
It makes me sad that I'm no longer sad about not having a "family."It causes no more sweat off my back than a pet goldfish dying; it was there..now it isn't. Oh well, flush it. On the other hand, I don't believe sisters/brothers are considered family. They are considered soul mates. What confuses me most about this whole situation is how three sisters can live together for 40+ years then decide "eh, this isn't working for me." The nieces have only been around for a little more or less than a decade, so I suppose they are easier to live apart from.
My sister is my best friend as many of you know, I no longer see her every single day seeing as we both work daily and live in separate houses. But, she is still the person I'm closest to in this world. I can say without hesitation that it will stay this way throughout our entire lives.

No matter what.

Wedding vows usually contain something along the lines of: "In sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, for better or worse." I believe family should have this vow embedded in them from birth. But sadly, like most others who take this vow, it means nothing.

I don't care if Alix went on a murdering spree, became a notorious bank robber, or started smuggling cocaine; she is my sister. I would never let anything change that, or our relationship. You can't uninstall built in best friends.

break ups are the pits.

Saying break ups are hard would be an extreme understatement. Saying they are the end of the world would be an extreme exaggeration. But guess what? They happen. There are a select few people in this world who will never experience the sting of a broken heart and the odds are..you aren't one of those people. Now put on your big kid pants and deal with that fact. Let it sink in that someone you love will completely destroy you. If you let them that is.

The stereotypical girl in emotional agony can be seen in front of a television watching Love Actually and stuffing her pie hole with Ben and Jerry's. That's fine, we've all been there. A freshly ended relationship can completely devastate your will to leave the house, or even change out of pajamas for that matter. Believe me, I get it. The stereotypical guy is out at the bars slobbering all over floosies with daddy issues, perhaps drinking until they "can't feel feelings." Sometimes these roles are reversed, it depends I suppose. I understand lying across your bed listening to that Dashboard Confessional and Secondhand Serenade type of music we all know so well until you can't cry any longer may seem like the right thing to do but guess what sweetheart? That only makes matters worse. I'm not downplaying the pain of love ending, and i'm also not describing the kind of break up that is temporary. I use the term for the kind of end that you know to be permanent.

I'm not sure the point of this post other than to release some thoughts I have swirling around. I want to say that I know the feeling of pure and utter devastation, when even hearing someone's name can reduce you to tears, thinking of how things were fills your body up to your ears with a boiling feeling. I know. But I also know that life goes on; trust me. Every day you think of that person less and less and eventually the hurting stops. But you're the only one that can make that happen. Listening to depressing music, sitting home alone, eating until you can't any more doesn't do anything productive. On the other hand, going out every night and getting so drunk you can't remember your name and going home with strangers doesn't help either. Because you know what? You're going to sober up in the morning. Your life will be the exact same as it was before. You just have to live. Live your life for yourself, because if you can't do that then you will never find the one person who will never give you that horrible boiling feeling.

Basically, pull up your boot straps and get back on the horse. You will still think of him/her every day. A certain song will come on that makes you skip a breath. You will still hate seeing them move on. Regardless of these things, which are completely normal, you will get over it. You will think of this person and there will be no change in your emotion, they will just become..another person. But until that happens, don't make the situation worse. Dramatics are more interesting, sure, but making a mountain out of a molehill is nothing but detrimental to your health. Everything happens for a reason, and looking back you will realize this to be true.

Be thankful for the times you had with that person.

Take the positives and learn from them.

Forget the negatives, there is no point in dwelling.

When you least expect it, you will wake up..and be okay.

I promise.

This will never happen to me.

My grandparents have been married for over fifty years. Most people's grandparents, or even parents, have been or will have been married for longer than this when their lives are over. This will never happen for me. This will never happen for most of my generation.

People always believe there is a better option, someone better out there, than the person they're with. Everyone is too busy searching for their perfect match that they miss them when they're standing in front of them screaming "Hello! I'm right here!" Not to mention when someone does finally settle down and thinks they have found someone worth sharing their life with, there are too many ways to cheat these days. You can literally be in bed with your significant other and cheating on your cellphone or social networking site. Combine that with the lack of morality my generation was raised with and Boom! Recipe for heartbreak and loneliness.

I want to be courted. I want a romance like our grandparents had, and still have. Call me old fashioned, fine. I don't want to keep my options open. I want one person. One person to show all I have to give. To share my everything with. To go to sleep with every night and wake up to every morning. I want to share coffee. I want to make meals together. I want to have picnics. I want to enjoy my life because they are in it. I don't want someone to think twice about their feelings for me, or wonder if i'm "as good as it gets." I want them to look at me like there's no one else. Because that is how I will be looking at them.

Despite the "Sex and the City" type culture; life isn't meant to be spent alone into your forties, just sleeping with whatever tickles your fancy and having cocktails with a new man every night.

Life is meant to be spent with someone else. One someone else. Someone to merge your life with until you're so far deep into each other's lives it simply becomes "our life." Life isn't about sneaking around behind your lover's back. It isn't about texting, facebooking, tweeting, emailing, nothing. Life is not meant for lies, deceit, betrayal, or pain. It's meant for happiness, companionship, and if we're lucky enough...love.

But no one seems to understand that these days.

I would like to know if i'm stuck in a fantasy that will never come true...or if maybe someday I will find someone who breaks the mold of my generation. I'm very young, and I realize that, but i'm going to have to find him soon if I want to surpass fifty years.

"Life Itself is the Most Wonderful Fairytale."

-Hans Christian Andersen.

I used to have this quote on the wall of my room. To be honest I didn't really believe it, I simply liked the wall decal.

I was attempting to sleep last night when the aforementioned statement popped into my head and I started thinking, maybe I do believe it. I always looked at my wall in disbelief as I envisioned princesses, fairy god mothers, handsome princes, and a perfect life.

"Come on Hans, real life is a tube full of bologna." I would think on my way out the door.

But really, now that I think of it, life truly is a fairytale. Maybe it just takes some time to be written.

We have to remember every story has hardships, even villians. If you stopped reading "Thumbelina" as she was being kidnapped by the toad; you would never know she finds her tiny prince. It's hard sometimes to read life all the way through, i'll admit there are more days than not when I want to just skim pages to the end.

I'm slowly realizing my life is just a story; one in which I am the protagonist but mostly, the author. I'm the one who decides whether or not the princess gets defeated by evil. Maybe I don't need a fairy godmother or prince to save me. But then again if I do ever find myself the damsel in distress, I think I finally have the right characters in my life to swoop in and rescue me.

Don't stop reading at the first conflict, there's always a happy ending.