"L" is for the way you look at me..

I would like to think that my posts are typically well written. Yes, I may write in circles; but I usually bring it all in to make a profound point that I have been thinking about and wanting to share with all of you. I assume my random ideas are well interpreted because of the reply emails I get thanking me for my perspective after each post. But, who knows.
Today, however I have a disclaimer.

This post will not be all brought together to make a profound point.
Actually, it may not have a point.

Not having an opinion or solid stance on something is strange for me. The topic of this blog in which I am so fuzzy on, is love. Now I think people rarely have a concrete standpoint on love, mostly because it is so misunderstood and interpreted so differently. Now, we aren't talking about family love, or how you feel about your pet here. I'm talking love. Between a two people, and no one else. But hold on, before you continue reading, let me tell you something. I have always been a hopeless romantic. As a child I had the idea in my head that every person has that one other person in life that is their true love. Just one. I grew up with divorced parents, so perhaps that is why I was so determined to believe in this ideal true love business. Maybe we should blame the fact that I constantly had my nose in novels from the eighteenth century. Appropriate reading for a preteen, yes? I was a strange child, let's just go with it. As we get older, though, we start to realize that we will have many loves. I had a couple of these "loves" in high school, like most people do. But in retrospect, is that the kind of love we spend forever with? No. Which is okay. We learn from those relationships and use the skills gained for the next time we find ourselves in that "pit of your stomach dropping out" feeling. I've been lucky to still call those few friends, which I think is a huge part of growing up as well as a blessing; learning how to put someone who was once the center of your teenage world somewhere in your current world and it be okay.When speaking of people that I could call any time of day or night, two of the aforementioned are on the list.

But what gets tricky is the first real love. The one that stops your breathing, changes your life, and knocks you straight on your ass. Makes you want to improve your future and forget your past. This is where I am puzzled. I've experienced this knock down, drag out love and it wasn't exactly what I expected. All throughout my life I thought the first time I felt this, it would be the last time. Yet that is not the case I'm finding out. I will spare you the details but, it obviously ended...I was heartbroken and he had moved on, quickly. Quicker then we had broken up, actually. But here's the thing. I'm not mad. I hold no resentment. I actually still wish to talk to him daily. I believe that when you selflessly love someone it never stops. If you get cheated on and pull a Carrie Underwoodesque destruction of property...maybe you need to reevaluate the love you felt in the first place. Love isn't selfish. Love doesn't need revenge. It needs healing. I would still do anything for this person, regardless of whether or not he would do the same.

Anyway I'll save my opinions of the misconstruction of love for another post, what I'm getting at is where do you go from that love when you've believed your entire life you should only have one? What if sometimes true love just doesn't match up? You may find yours in someone but you just aren't it for them. Don't get me wrong here, I'm not saying plan your wedding at the first "I love you," but when you can see a future with someone for the first time and that gets taken away. It's scary. Also for the record, this isn't written off a fresh break-up. I've tried it with other people, and it works for a little bit, but eventually you realize it isn't working. It isn't genuine. They aren't him/her. Simple as that. But after you have so much time away from this person, so much pain caused by this person and the feelings don't change, it is confusing. Oh, and also frightening. I'm not looking to find a husband in the near future, nor am I one of those "have to have a relationship" sort of girls that we all know so well. So why is it I feel a void for the first time in my life? I'm independent. I've never needed anyone. I find happiness in literally everything. Basically I've always been a "put on your big girl pants and get back on the horse" kind of person, so all of this is beyond me.

This person committed the worst crime you can commit in a relationship aside from an actual legal crime and yet I still feel the need to have him in my life. I've realized when you care for someone, you're blinded from the bad side of them. Even if it's right in your face, you refuse to give up on finding the good.

There's always the glimmer of hope the person you see will eventually become all there is. There's always the chance, that person doesn't exist.

Ain't love grand?