and to all a good night.

Last night I nestled down into my couch with Frances the cat and decided to watch the modern holiday classic, Love Actually. Not exactly a noteworthy event, I will agree. However, after watching the movie in it's entirety, I couldn't shut my brain off.
Allow me to elaborate.

The movie starts off with this monologue by Hugh Grant overlaying scenes of loved ones in an airport:

Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion is starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaking suspicion love actually is all around.

Sorry if this spoils it for any of you who haven't seen the picture, but it's a romantic comedy so I suspect that you've picked up on the fact that the movie ends in happily ever after. When the credits rolled across the dark screen, I almost had a panic attack.

It hit me all at once that the new year is less than a week away.

Christmas is this weekend. This past year has been nothing but rubbish. What do I have to show for 2011? Absolutely nothing. I am watching a movie alone with my cat. I've gained ten pounds. Alone on Christmas. Alone on New Year's Eve. I suck.
It was like Cybill was in my head dropping pounds upon pounds of negative thoughts onto my brain.

As you know, this sometimes happens around the holidays. Nothing can ruin a perfectly good mood like a Kay Jewelers commercial around December. Let me be the first one to say, don't give in to Norman Rockwell-esque propaganda. Yes, this time of year is great, but don't feel like your life should be a certain way just because of the date.

Last night for example, all I could think of were the negative things over the past year. Just as I was about to reach Ben and Jerry's level of depression, my phone went off with a text from a friend that for some reason snapped me into thinking clearly.

I have had an amazing 2011.

Sure, it's obvious by my blog posts that I fell out of love. I learned it's okay to fall hard and forgive even harder. I learned just how big my heart really is. I found out I can't be jaded. I gained more from that experience than he ever did by cheating; or than I ever could have by staying in the relationship.

I put off going to school another year. This is okay with me. I am still nowhere near knowing what I want to be when I "grow up" but I'm a whole hell of a lot closer to knowing where I don't want to be. To be completely honest, something along the lines of Peace Corps is looking like the best fit at this point.

I'm just a waitress. Everyone thinks that working in the food industry is one of the worst jobs you can have. I strongly disagree. I love my job. I make the money in a weekend most people make in a week or more. But that isn't the best part. The crew I work with, though a motley one, makes every day a new experience. Not only that, but I've met at least one person that I know I will be friends with years down the road.

Work takes up eighty percent of my time. This blows. I'm not going to tell you I love working, no one does. But this year I have shown not only myself, but everyone around me that I can do it on my own. The day you realize you don't need anyone else is a great one.

I don't keep in touch with many of my old friends. Most of the people I considered friends were that of convenience. Naturally, they are going to get pushed to the wayside. I'm actually glad they did. This year I have met so many people by opening myself up to new experiences and getting out of my "convenient comfort zone." That cheesy quote every one Picniks on their pictures is true: "Here's to the nights that turned into mornings, and the friends that turned into family."

I'll stop rambling about the things I love about my life, and leave you with a last thought. This year I have grown more as a person than you would believe possible in just 365 days.

Learn the difference between needing someone in your life, and wanting them there. Stop making excuses for yourself and grab life by the face already. But most importantly, accept your life. It's yours. You aren't going to gain anyone's approval until you gain your own, probably because you won't deserve to. The only person holding you back from everything you want is you. Before you complain about something in your life, (job, car, house, phone) think of those who don't even have such things to complain about.

Find what makes you happy; and do it.

Happy Holidays.

hey jude.

A few weeks ago a friend of mine suggested the topic "not thinking people are good enough, setting too high of expectations." At the time, I didn't really believe I could go on the blog rant that you are all so used to reading on that specific topic, so I didn't write it. For some reason I was thinking of his suggestion this morning and realized I could absolutely put some Sydni in this subject. Here we go..

Every single one of us is guilty of this, but I think most of the offenders lie in my generation. Thanks to movies, sappy Facebook statuses, and TV shows that completely misconstrue relationships; everyone has this obnoxious ideal of who their partner needs to be. We get so caught up in what someone isn't doing that what they are doing gets completely swept under the rug. Your Prince Charming or Cinderella isn't going to bust up in your life someday with a dramatic monologue and an acoustic guitar. When you put your expectations in perspective, maybe you will notice your leading man or lady has been there the whole time, waiting with a simple hand outstretched.

I am not telling you to lower your expectations. I am not telling you to settle for an former convict with no job because he will never be Heath Ledger. Let me make that apparent. I am telling you to stop being blind to the things you have in your life because they aren't what you think they should be.

People have a preconceived notion that when they find someone that is right, fireworks will erupt and crowds will gather for a somehow perfectly choreographed musical number...that is not going to happen. What will happen is you finding someone you can be yourself around, tell your darkest secrets to, and just be happy with. Isn't that enough? It's so easy to forget that relationships aren't about who can ante up with the biggest romantic gesture. They aren't about being with someone who will impress other people. They aren't about changing someone. They aren't about only being able to find happiness in the big things, but rather finding a smile in small thing each and every moment. Grand gestures get old, and at the end of the day it's simply about being happy.

One time in my life stands out to me where apparently being happy wasn't enough. The weirdest part was, this person really was like a movie. I won't go in to detail because I try to maintain some anonymity in the people I talk about in my blogs, but the things you see in cheesy romantic comedies and think "that never happens," happened. Every day was something new. I'll be the first to admit when I make a mistake, and I stepped in it big time on that one. I didn't appreciate the things he did..took them for granted, when he exceeded my unrealistic expectations, I set new ones. Was it perhaps a defense mechanism? Who knows, but all I know is I was a brat. You can't enter someone in a competition without their knowledge and punish them when they don't win.

My time with this person may have been movie-esque, but life isn't a movie. Sorry kids. You can't make mistakes and with one apology everything is okay and the choreographed dance starts right back up. (Seriously though, how does any movie explain how an entire crowd of people just knows the same dance and is willing to do it in public, come on.)
Inadvertently telling someone they aren't good enough simply because you think you deserve better than what they are already giving you isn't okay. If you don't like who that person is, you need to let them go show someone else how great they are. Looking back, I would have done it all differently. I would have realized it's the little things that matter most. Someone who will buy you a two dollar gift simply because it's your favorite color, listens..really listens when you speak, and trusts you with their secrets is going to keep you happier longer than someone who is just trying to impress you with meaningless nonsense.

someone like you

Let's be honest, we all have "merry go round" exes. The ones that are always right there in the back of your mind. You may stray elsewhere but it always seems like you end up on an endless rotation of thoughts and feelings with them smack dab in the center.

Today you are getting off the merry go round. Right now. Seriously, tuck and roll off of that thing because if you don't you will never stop feeling dizzy.

There are varying degrees of merry go rounders. Some of us are worse than others, I realize. If someone pops into your head every now and then, that's fine, and normal. We are human, we don't just erase all memories of someone or something that was a part of our lives. However, being at every beckon call of your ex is not okay. First stop off the carousel, stop acting like you are still their girlfriend/boyfriend. Right now you're thinking "We are still friends, I'm not just going to stop that." No, you are not still friends. Do any of your other friends drunkenly text you at all hours of the night stating any of the following?

"missss youu babyyyy"
"ughhh you're so sexxyyy"
"come herrreee"
"why don't youuu love meee?"

I certainly hope not. If so, perhaps you and your friend need to do some talking. If the relationship is fresh enough in your mind that you still die a little inside thinking of them every time Adele's Someone Like You comes on the radio...you are not friends. Do yourself a favor and give the besties act a rest. When and if the time is right maybe you can be casual friends, but until then, stop forcing it and quit making yourself suffer.

Second stop, take a sharp left off memory lane and head down out of sight, out of mind avenue. When you go on a diet, do you succeed in doing so by leaving cake and candy around the house? Absolutely not. If you see the cake, you are going to eat it. Likewise, if you leave mementos of your relationship everywhere, you are going to be thinking of that person. Take down the pictures, delete those adorable texts you have saved, and stop creeping your Facebook friendship. Memories are great, however it's easy to forget that is all they are. Whether or not you want to believe this fact is up to you, but they no longer matter. Know what else is easy? Sweetening memories beyond what actually occurred. Everyone does it. It is a lot more pleasant to remember that time he sent you flowers at work without thinking of the day before (the time you found the sexts from his downstairs neighbor..well, the first time) Remember that time she made you breakfast in bed? The morning after you were both up until three am fighting over nothing? Good times. Are you getting my drift here? Stop sleeping in his sweatpants, stop listening to the song she said was yours on repeat. A good rule of thumb? If you would feel awkward explaining an item in your room or home to a new love interest, get rid of it.

Get them off the pedestal. I have been so guilty of this it's laughable. Stop pretending it was a fluke that ended the two of you. It happened for a reason. Especially in these merry go round situations, it didn't work the third time, it especially won't the fourth. It is safe to say you are elevating your ex to a status that they couldn't even reach during your relationship simply because you can't be with them now. If your time together was so perfect, if they were so perfect, why aren't you together? Take off the rose colored glasses when you feel the need to think about your former ball and chain. Even better? Talk to your friends. I am sure they will be happy to inform you of the flaws you are so naively over looking. There is no truth like that from a best friend.

Our final stop of the day is very simple: do not, ever, ever, touch your ex boyfriend or girlfriend. Friends with benefits doesn't even work in the movies. Ever. I don't think I need to elaborate on this. It is always a bad idea. Always. You probably won't listen to me, but when you are back at emotional square one after a drunken night of "oopsies," you better think to yourself "Damn it, Sydni told me so.." Because I did.

Now, I realize there are exceptions, sometimes things end for regrettable reasons, and it is possible in some cases to reconcile old relationships. If you weren't able to before, I should hope you are able to distinguish "merry go round exes" from your average former partners after reading this. I also realize these things are easier said than done, but trust me when I say life is so much easier moving in a straight line rather than a circle. You deserve better than where you've already been, it just may take a few steps for you to realize this to be true.