I moved to Nashville because I was sick and tired of the monotony of life in Illinois. Guess what? Life is monotonous everywhere if you allow it to be. Lately I have been very unsettled. I don't think it has anything to do with being homesick either, I just can't take "life" anymore. I am not depressed, this is not a suicide note, I am actually a very happy lady..I am exhausted. Spiritually exhausted. I am tired of pretending to care about things that I don't. I am tired of wasting minutes, hours, days on things that do not matter.
I quit two jobs in one week-yeah they were absolutely awful establishments but when I reflect on the situation I think I could be handed any job at this point and see it as a prison. I have worked my ass off since I was old enough to hold a job.
Not working used to give me anxiety.
"No amount of money is enough."
"Seven days a week? Aren't there more shifts I can pick up?"
"I need two jobs."
I have been 100% unemployed for five days now and I am not panicked, I could give two flying farts to be honest. I have money for my bills for now.
I am a single, childless, twenty one year old female and my expenses per month total over $3000 a month. Do you know what an impoverished family could do with three thousand dollars a month? It makes me sick. But I got into this life because it's supposed to make me happy, right? If you have a nice apartment in a nice neighborhood filled with nice things, that is all you need.
NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO.
If a fire started in your home and burned everything you own to ash, you would be devastated. Who wouldn't? You know what would lift you out of it?
People.
Family...Friends...Strangers.
We see it all of the time. Because people and feelings and experiences are what matter to us when all of the bullshit we buy into is gone. But we are so clouded to what honestly fulfills us because we aren't supposed to think about those things. We think that big televisions and new iPhones matter. They don't.
We see people break out of the cycle and think "gosh I wish I could do that." Don't you think they had the exact same thought? How many times have your Facebook friends posted the standard picture of the "hippie van turned living space" and said "OMG I would love to do this!?" The only difference between people who do and people who wish...is that they do. A magical fairy isn't going to show up at your door to change your life. That's your job.
Having a happy life isn't something that died in 1970.
Just because our standards of materialism have changed doesn't mean simple life is impossible.
It's okay not to care about extensions, Instagram followers, or the makeup on your face. It's okay to feel uncomfortable with someone trying to pay your way. It's okay to wake up one morning and decide you're done. You don't have to become what you're surrounded by-and I wish I would have woken up and realized this earlier.
With that being said, if anyone sees a van for sale, let me know :)
2 comments:
Congrats Kid, You've arrived. I know you don't know me from "Moe" but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone. As a unmarried "30 year old" I still struggle with the battle of "what the fuck am I doing with my life?" .......the important thing is that you are wise enough to ask yourself this question and to demand more. your a smart girl Syd. There was a really dark time in my life when I thought that running was the answer and I couldn't wait to get out of the "shit hole Charleston" and find my place........or so I thought. Fast forward.....I found myself in a new city, with a big girl job, and a few new friends that I met and I was absolutely miserable. It struck me that no matter where you go, or how far you run, the problems, the issues, "LIFE" still exists. You can be in a crown full of people and still feel alone in the room, you can work at a great company making six fig's and still be miserable. No amount of clothes, or expensive cars, or weekly manicured nails is going to change that. I realized that none of that shit mattered and family and friends did......................... and for the first time in my life, good things started happening and I no longer felt the need to run. I love your soul and I have a good feeling about you.......you are only 21 and have a great handle on this................use that passion that you have ...and make some shit happen :)
Thank you so much for those words. Exactly what I need to hear right now! I am so happy you have good things coming your way-gives a girl with chaotic thoughts some validation. Printing your comment out as a little reminder for my journal!
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